


Love hurts, but without love I won’t survive

by Youremyalways



Category: Bellarke - Fandom, The 100, the hundred - Fandom
Genre: Bellarke, F/M, The 100 - Freeform, all the feels, the hundred - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 11:23:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15684435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Youremyalways/pseuds/Youremyalways
Summary: “The last time she looked out a window like this, the earth was burning before her eyes, fiery red and engulfed in smoke. So much loss was resting there. So many people that laid down their lives so that others could live, just like she had done so many years ago. It was bittersweet, leaving behind the beautiful planet that for half of her life she craved to see, and for the other half she’s called her home.“———This is the brutually honest conversation that Bellamy and Clarke need to have after the ending of 5x13. Shows a lot of feelings and hurt, but happy ending!





	Love hurts, but without love I won’t survive

**Author's Note:**

> This is the fifth time I’m trying to post this and I actually want to gauge my eyes out. Sooo, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> (Also yes, I know Clarke found Madi earlier than I have it in this story, but I fudged it to make it a little more emotional.)

As the video message concluded, Clarke found herself breaking out of Bellamy’s embrace and slowly walking up to the window.

She rose her right hand to the surface, the glass felt cold underneath her fingertips. It boggled Clarke’s mind that the same substance she used to hold her water was keeping her from combusting in space. It locked the oxygen in, and the zero-g out.

She rested her palm against it as her mind wandered, and as her fingers spread, so did her thoughts. 

The last time she looked out a window like this, the earth was burning before her eyes, fiery red and engulfed in smoke. So much loss was resting there. So many people that laid down their lives so that others could live, just like she had done so many years ago. It was bittersweet, leaving behind the beautiful planet that for half of her life she craved to see, and for the other half she’s called her home. 

The past decade of her life has been nothing but loss, or she supposed it was the last century. It was all resonating at the surface, but constant threats to her survival had provided her with enough of a distraction to not have to deal with the pain. Everyone that she was surrounded by, she had grieved.

As she stared off into space, she suddenly heard footsteps approaching from behind her. 

Clarke turned her head just enough to see that Bellamy had moved a few feet closer to her before turning back to look at the window. She saw him long enough, however, to see the tear stains on his tan flesh. A small, sad smile pulled at the corners of his lips as his gaze moved downwards. 

“Are you okay?” He asked as he brought his head back up and locked eyes with the back of her head.

She didn’t reply right away, not wanting to break down and cry in front of him. 

“Are you?” She settled on, steering the conversation away from herself.

Before he got the chance to answer she turned her body in full, finally opening herself up enough to face him. Immediately she felt vulnerable, nerves creeping up her body. But the look on his face was devastated, and it immediately made all of the nerves in her body melt away.

“Not even close.” His head tilted and his already teary eyes grew wetter. 

She just nodded and bit her lip, not knowing what to say.

“How long until the others wake up?” She asked after a long pause.

“Another hour. Dad wanted to give you enough time to… take things in.” Jordan answered.

“Why me? I get Bellamy, but I haven’t talked to Monty in six years.” Clarke’s eyebrows furrowed together in confusion.

“He and my mother both thoroughly believed that you two work the best when your together, that you keep eachother grounded. After all the stories they’ve told me, I don’t think I would bet against that logic.” 

“125 years.” Clarke sighed so softly only she could hear it as she turned and stared at her new home.

“Can we have a minute.” Bellamy turned and looked at Jordan, remorse in his words.

“Of course.” He nodded with a knowing look, stepping away from the room to allow them time to talk.

After waiting a few seconds he spoke, “The last time I was at a window like this, I was watching the earth burn-”

“I know, feels like only yest-” She cut him off but he continued undeterred.

“With you on it.”

Those last four words made all the difference.

She just turned her head to look at him, seeing the sorrow etched into his features. She couldn’t think of anything to say to that, nothing appropriate for the moment they were in.

“For six years when I looked down at the earth I didn’t see a home. I didn’t see some beautiful, saving grace or a place of fond memories. The only thing I saw was a grave. Nothing but a giant, burning burial site. For years, instead of putting flowers on your grave I would come up to the window and talk to you, think ‘what would Clarke do’.”

She swallowed, eyes stinging red with unshed tears.

“There’s something I have to tell you.” Bellamy stared straight forward, sighing heavily.

“You know about the radio calls.” Clarke spoke before Bellamy could finish.

“How… how’d you know?” His face wrinkled in confusion, mentally tracing every word he’d said, trying to figure out where he gave it away.

“Well, Madi went to talk to you at the ship and then suddenly you were forgiving me? I put two and two together.”

“I… Clarke, why didn’t you tell me?” His expression was saddening.

“I didn’t tell you because it didn’t matter, you never heard me,” She spoke like it was obvious, “It helped me survive when I was alone, thinking that I wasn’t the only one left, that you survived and were okay. It kept me sane and that’s the only thing that mattered.”

“You said you weren’t alone, you said that Madi-”

“I didn’t find her until the second year.” She admitted defeatedly.

“So the entire first year…” The ending of his sentence was assumed and Clarke just nodded.

She looked almost ashamed.

“Then I’m gonna ask again, how the hell did you do it?” He looked like his heart was ripped out of his chest, absolutely crushed.

“You want the truth?” Clarke raised her eyebrows, almost in a dare.

He nodded, eyebrows creasing with concern.

“Alright,” She took a deep breath before the words erupted out of her like word vomit, “I barely survived. I was starving, I was dehydrated, and I had burns running up and down my entire body, covering my skin from the inside out. They were even covering the roof of my mouth and my eyelids. I could barely open my eyes, nevermind walk. It was a week by the time I could move out and look outside. It was nothing but desert, barren…” Clarke’s emotions were skyrocketing, and she tried to keep them down as hard as she could but her words just kept getting choppier.

“After a while I went to the bunker, I don’t know what I was trying to find, looking back. With the radiation it would have had to stay shut but I was just hoping that by some miracle someone would be listening, and that I would be let inside. It was under tons of rubble, I couldn’t even see where it was,” Now her body was shaking as tears poured down her pale cheeks, “Polis was loaded with guns. At first I sort of laughed at the idea, you know. One person left on earth, what could I possibly need guns for? I thought maybe hunting, but there’s nothing to hunt in the desert, but I picked a gun up anyway. There was always one use for it if everything else failed.”

“Clarke…” Bellamy’s eyes softened.

“The first time I made a radio call to you, it was the first time I really, truly wanted to kill myself,” She cried and brought her hand up to wipe some tears away, “I was so low that I put the gun up to my temple and had my finger on the trigger. Just a second and it would be over, but instead I picked up that piece of crap radio and talked to you.” 

A tear rolled down his cheek as he watched her break down, feeling guilt and sadness permeate through his body.

“From then on every time I would get the urge to end it all, I would pick up the radio. I just kept getting lower and lower that pulling the gun up to my head and calling you became an everyday thing. I only got through the day because I had hope that you were alive, that all of you were. A little while after I found Madi, the calls started to happen out of force of habit rather than suicidal thoughts, but they still gave me hope.”

“And then we came down.” He added.

“And then you came down,” She repeated, a watery smile on her face, “and I know you want me to say that it made everything better, that seeing you all made it worth it, but the truth is… when you came down you were strangers to me.”

It was hard to say. To look directly into his eyes and tell him that he wasn’t everything she had ever hoped for. It broke her heart even more to think it out loud.

“Obviously when you live and rely on six people for six years they would become the most important thing to you. I expected that, I did. But… I always thought we’d still be family, you know? I’ve been alone for nearly a decade, but when you told me that I wasn’t part of your family anymore, I-”

“Clarke, listen to me,” He interrupted her, stepping forward and reaching for her hand, “You have always been my family.” 

She wanted to argue it, but the look on his face left no room for disagreement.

“I am so sorry for everything you had to go through. It kills me that you were suffering, and I am so, so sorry that I made you feel like anything other than my family when we got down here. You are so important to me, even when we weren’t with each other Clarke. We have a new chance here, I want to make it better. We can all be better. I’ll prove to you that you matter so much to me.” 

He leaned down slowly, lowering his mouth to press a gentle kiss to her forehead. Simultaneously, he squeezed her hand in his and soothed his broad thumb over her pale knuckles.

As he broke away slowly, he whispered, “now let’s go wake up our family.”

Clarke nodded, following him as he lead her away from the bridge.

A new life started today.


End file.
